Chasm
by KierstynArete
Summary: Kaidan is having trouble remaining sane because of Shepard's apparent death at the beginning of ME2, but he finds the will to fight again from a comrade. Shenko.


The alcohol was a welcome escape.

He downed it quickly, the foul liquid burning the back of his throat, then slammed the small glass back onto the bar with unintended harshness-luckily the glass didn't break. He closed his eyes, feeling the immediate buzz from the liquor. He allowed himself to sink into the feeling for a long moment, but the thoughts came back unbidden.

She was dead.

He quickly gestured to the bartender-a turian man-for another drink.

She was gone.

He pinched the bridge of his nose and scrunched up his face, willing himself to control his thoughts but finding himself unable to do so. He gripped the smooth bar surface intensely, feeling the usual churning in his stomach that he felt when those dreaded thoughts invaded his subconscious. The turian slid the green liquor into his reach and the man grabbed it with trembling fingers, throwing it back. His alcohol induced thoughtlessness lasted longer this time and he welcomed it gratefully.

Shepard was dead.

He groaned, how loudly, he didn't know. It had been a month-one long month-since he had discovered Joker's empty escape pod when the survivors of the Normandy had emergency landed on the surface of the nearby planet. He had expected to become numb to the intense burning of his heartbreak after a while, but the feelings only intensified as time passed without her. He couldn't cope with the emptiness, the longing; he wanted her back- he _needed_ her back.

"Lieutenant,"

Kaidan turned around sharply, stumbling over the surprise of hearing his rank in his intoxicated state. He saw through fuzzy vision Captain Anderson, dressed in civvies, looking at him-his face unreadable. Still, Kaidan thought he had heard a tinge of sympathy to his voice.

"Sir," Kaidan was surprised that his voice was steady and not slurred.

Anderson said nothing for a moment but then gestured to a chair at the bar, telling his distressed Lieutenant to sit. He ordered a drink and took a deep breath before beginning to speak.

"I know that Shepard's death has impacted you greatly, Alenko-"

"It's my fault," Kaidan whispered, voicing his guilt in his drunken stupor.

"Why would her death be your fault?"

Kaidan exhaled slowly , signaling for another drink, "When the Normandy was attacked, I ran to find her and tried to stay to help her rescue Joker." He winced as he remembered that forbidden day, "She ordered me to get to the escape shuttle-wouldn't take no for an answer. I-I wish I would have disobeyed that order. I can't help but think that she would still be alive if I'd done so." His voice choked and he nursed his fifth drink of the night.

Anderson sighed, "Shepard's death was unfortunate and...awful, but it is something that we must be prepared for in our business. You know that."

"I know, but I-"

"-was in love with her." Anderson's abrupt statement startled Kaidan. He looked up and saw Anderson staring at him, his gaze unwavering. "Don't think that I don't know what was happening right underneath my nose, Alenko."

Kaidan straightened himself and glanced away from his superior officer in a manner that confirmed the suspicions arisen in Anderson's mind. The older man sighed and continued.

"The two of you had more than a professional relationship. Now, I don't know the extent to which it went to-"

Kaidan closed his eyes painfully, still facing away from Anderson. The Captain's words were awakening something dark within his heart. He could still remember Ilos as if it had happened a mere day before.

"-but I'm not going to penalize you for fraternization, especially considering what happened to her. I'm afraid I must leave you now, I have some reports to complete."

Anderson stood from the stool where he was sitting and made to leave when he twisted back around and placed a heavy hand on Kaidan's shoulder, "Alenko, despite the circumstances, we-the Alliance-need you more than ever. Shepard unearthed a great deal of things that will need to be completed. That is the best way that we can honor her memory-to continue her quest against the galaxy's evils. We can't have you drinking away your days to deal with the torment of her loss." And with that, Anderson left the bar without so much as a backwards glance.

Kaidan unconsciously nodded to himself and turned back to the bar. Anderson's words had nothing to help the longing ache in his hear, but he had a purpose now. The only person that could seize the suffering in his soul was gone forever-her body floating amongst the stars and planets that she had worked so hard to protect. He vowed to continue her work and do what was best for the galaxy.

He would try his best to honor the memory of his love.

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**A/N: Thank you for reading! Reviews are much appreciated.**


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